Category: Let's talk
On Christmas eve, Mom picked me up and we went to her house to spend Christmas. She wanted me to do some updating on her iPad, so while I did that, she ran a few last minute erands. While she was out there, she was in a very serious car wreck. a cop knocked on Mom's door and when I answered, he told me the news and asked if I had any family nearby. I said no, my family lives about 2.5 hours away by car. I explained that Mom had picked me up from my apartment in Nashville, and that I was pretty well stuck. Ashland city is extremely backward for being 30 minutes away from Nashville, so they have no cabs or anything. Even with Uber, it would cost a minimum of 37 dollars for me to get home, if I could even get them to come out that far. He wished me a merry Christmas and suggested I call a family member to come and get me, then he walked away. Ok, a bit annoying, but I'm still ok. I called one of Mom's friends and he said he could run me home if I could wait about an hour. Sure, that wasn't a problem for me really. he was in the middle of something and I understood that perfectly. eventually, he did bring me home and then he was going to go to the hospital and see what he could find out. I got on the computer, found the number and called. I talked to 7 or so different people before anyone could find her. they explained that sometimes, in emergency situations, people were brought in under a stat, and their name wasn't yet entered in to the computer. eventually, I found out where she was, and the basics of her condition.
Facebook was the easiest mass update tool available to me, so I wrote a quick post, tagged her in it and briefly explained the situation. My sister in-law saw it, so my brother called me. I told him what I knew, and he said he was going to come up here and that he would see me in a couple of hours. I waited and I waited. About 6 hours later, he calls me from his cellphone. He says he's going back home, and he pretty much repeated what the nurses had already told me. I told him that I already knew this stuff, and I asked him why he didn't call me when he got to Nashville. I explained that I really wanted to go to the hospital as well. He asked me why I felt like I needed to be there, since he could tell me everything over the phone. I told him that it had been so important for him that he drove 2.5 hours out of his way to be there, and asked him why it was so important for him to be there, since he didn't learn anything new, but only repeated what I'd already found out. I had already told him all the info over the phone, after all. He got fighting mad and told me not to start no shit. I tried to get him to think about the possibility that if it was so important for him to physically be there, then why could he not see how it might be equally important to me that I be there as well. I don't think he ever got it, but he says he's coming back tomorrow, and that he will swing by here and pick me up first this time.
Now I'll point out a couple of things that I do know. I'm not that far from the hospital. Most people would just catch a buss, take a cab, jump in their car or just walk down there. My options are a bit more limited than that, though. Vanderbilt medical center and hospital are huge! even if I took a cab, was able to get someone who spoke enough English to understand me and for me to understand him or her, once I managed to get there, I'd be pretty much lost. I just can't hear well enough tonavigate the place, or even to understand directions, unless the person is right up on me. Plus, Mom was wearing the microphone of my FM system when the accident occurred, so I don't have even that at the moment. With it being Christmas day, I couldn't schedule the van. But yes, truth be told, if I absolutely had to do it, I would manage to get there. I'm not trying to play the helpless victim. My gripe is that once my brother found out what was happening, he jumped in his car, went to see her, then called me as an afterthought. It was important for him to physically be there, but he didn't think it would be of any import for me to be there. If Y'all were in that situation, would you find it belittling and condescending? when I first told him of her condition, his first response was, Yeah, you done good. What's a number to the hospital. I'll call down 'air and fine out what's really goin' on. I'm not trying to seek the glory or any of that, but I felt like he came down here, took it totally out of my hands, drove away and then figured he'd call me just to rub it in. I finally did point out to him that had I not posted to facebook, he would have had no clue at all. He hasn't talked to Mom in about 8 years. Honestly, my biggest reason for posting to it was that every time she's sick or something happens to her, the people from her church are mysteriously quiet. Later, when she's well again, they all say how they would have been there to help her if they'd known. Well, this time, they do. I figure it's time for them to put up or shut up. So essentially, I did call the church friends out, but it came with a price. There's a bit of irony in that.
LOL ok, so, what do Y'all think of this whole situation?
Wow man, nice brother. Not. I wish the best for your mom.
I think once again we are seeing how sighted people really have no clue what we blind people go through on a daily basis. If we were in their shoes we'd just go out there and find out stuff or pay a visit. He probably didn't even think about that when he did what he did. Then again, maybe he did it out of spite. It could be either one there.
anthoney, I'm not sure what to say. well, regardless of our disability, we too have emotions, bonds and affections with people, our friends and most of all, our closest relatives. so that is equally stupid for your brother to think that Your physical presence isn't important since you can't be watching her or helping her in any manner. thinking that way Is absolutely ridiculous. I wish I was there to help you to go to the hospital... at least.
Anthony, I totally understand your frustration. After all, your mom picked you up and took you to her place and then was in an accident while out running errands. So how could your brother think you wouldn't want to go see her? He must be pretty dense.
And as for church friends disappearing when something is wrong? I can't tell you how many stories I've heard about supposed Christians staying away in droves when someone needs them. I know a number of people who go out of their way to help others, but when they are the ones needing help and support, all those people they have helped in the past are nowhere to be found.
First of all, I hope your mom is doing okay.
Second, there is nothing helpless victemy about the difficulties you would face getting to the hospital and to your mom's room.
Third-no offence-your brother sounds like a complete asshole, which may or may not be related to you having disabilities.
My thoughts are with your mom.
Thanks, Y'all. I just wanted to get other perspectives on it, sincce I figured it was entirely possible that I was just feeling overwhelmed and too sensative. They think Mom should be able to talk by some time this afternoon, and I'll know more then. Will definitely keep the updates coming. She had to have her spleen removed, and there are some rib fractures as well, though at the time of my conversation with the nurse, they weren't sure of the severety of them.
Thanks to all of you.
First again. I hope your mom is well.
We have to deal with this in many situations.
If someones sick, you pretty much have to get yourself there, or learn what you can, because people don't think you are of use.
That is what it basicly boils down to.
You can't make decisions. You're not aware of what need doing.
We get disregarded.
People do know, they aren't dumb, it is just they don't care enough to give you basic rights if they aren't forced.
Hospitals are difficult even for the perfectly hearing and seeing, so you don't need to feel bad about that. Even if you get directions, many times there not the correct cirections.
I find all that can be done about the situation is you do your own thing best you can.
You said your peace, but I'm hhhear to tell you, it won't matter tomorrow.
Sometimes I push if I don't get invited to say a wedding, family reunion, or something, but most time never mind.
I have family members that treat me as an adult should be, but for the most part no.
At my dad's funeral, believe it or not, I had an aunt take my place in the family car and tell the director to put me in a different car.
The head funeral director wasn't having it and made her move. I didn't know I wasn't in the correct car until I got in.
At that point I didn't want to make a fuss, but the director made it for me.
My brothers and sisters didn't say a word to her either.
The aunt got upset believe it or not. Smile.
See how unimportant we are? I'm a son, she's his sister and she felt I wasn't important enough to ride in the main family cvar.
I told you that story so you can not feel alone.
Again, I wish your mom well.
Church friends are often not their. I've seen that too.
I've seen them come together as well, but for the most part no.
Ok Wayne, now this is stuff I can totally relate to and feel on a very personal level. I hear you all too well. Thanks for sharing your story. As much as I wanted other perspectives, I was also incredibly frustrated and just needed a place to vent, so this board accomplished both goals.
Anthony, when I come to Nashville and meet you one day, keep me away from your brother. If I was to meet him I bet I'd go to prison because I'd smack the shit out of him. I'd go off like nobody's business. That is all sorts of fucked up, but not surprising.
hugs I hope she recovers quick, and is ok.
Hey Anthony,
First and foremost, I wish your mom a speedy recovery. Everything about this is messed up. I totally understand the situation with your brother because I've endured similar shit with my family (and especially my mother) for my entire life. The instance that immediately comes to mind happened last summer. During the last week of my grandfather's life, he was staying at a hospice center. My mom and my uncle were planning on leaving Memphis for Florida in order to be with him and the rest of the family, and Murfreesboro is on the way. Still, I had to fight tooth and nail to be able to accompany them. I never should've had to do battle to see a member of my family in his last days, but my mother's perception of me as an added burden to any situation necessitated it. And sure enough, I was basically put in a corner out of the way every moment we were at the hospice. I was never included in plans or decision-making. On the morning of my grandfather's death, my aunt asked if I wanted to accompany her when she left the hospice. My mom's response was, "Are you sure it won't be too much trouble with her?" As if all that weren't bad enough, every single time I made any attempt to do anything for myself or walk even a few steps by myself in my grandparents' house, my mother was right there. She refused to let me have a single moment of independence for fear I would fall, break something, or whatever other excuse she could come up with. It was appalling bordering on inhuman.
It shouldn't come as such a blow to me that other disabled people endure similar treatment from family. I guess reading your and Wayne's accounts just really hit home. I don't know what exactly to tell either of you because I don't know your family dynamics. I do know that the experience in Florida made me resolve to ask my mother to go to family counseling to address the multitude of issues that we have. I haven't done it yet because (1) the fact that we live in different cities poses a difficulty and (2) there hasn't been a situation since Florida that would cause an immediate need for counseling. But I'm certain the day will come. I'm also certain that she will refuse and that I will then give her the ultimatum of either going to counseling or having me cut out of her life. One way or another, this treatment will stop.
I don't think people realize the far-reaching and devastating consequences of these kinds of familial attitudes. But I've said my piece on that on another board. Again, my thoughts are with you and your mom, and I wish you strength and healing while you deal with all of this. I'm sure we'll all be willing to lend an ear whenever you need to vent.
Becky
Sure, I'll lend an ear.
On my account, I've just forgotten about it.
I figure I've got a life to live, and that life will be lived peacefully.
When situations arise Iwant to do something with, or attend, I simply do if I know about it.
Otherwise, I have learned my getting mad was and is a waste of my energy.
If I wish to be at someone bed side, or whatever, I tell the nurses, doctor, or whoever, that is where I wish to be.
Maybe that's the asshole way, but it works for me.
I just got back from the hospital. My bother came by and picked me up and took me with him to see Mom. Mom is stable, she's able to talk and she's surprisingly alert for still being so sedated. She was fully aware. She's got fractured ribs and I think her left arm is fractured. Basically, a truck hit her in the driver's side door. Her voice was low, but it was nice and strong. I was able to hear most of what she said... and that's saying something. LOL
My brother was decently nice to me today as well. This is probably wrong on a lot of levels, but I keep my recorder with me, and I recorded the entire trip. I can play that recording back and pick up on so many things that I missed during the live event. I feel, especially in cases like this, that it's a necessity for me. People know I can't hear, so they have plenty of opportunity to speak to each other just out of my range. Sometimes it's accidental, and sometimes it's not. in cases like this, there may well be some vital information that I've missed.
I'll write back as soon as I find out anything else. Thanks for your stories and encouragement.
Glad she's doing better. Thinking about bugging the state for one of those digital recorders myself.
So glad to hear that she's going to be okay!
And what a brilliant idea to record conversations for later review. That's helpful for any of us, I would think. I appreciate the tip and the good idea.
And on the other topic, yeah,my families, many of our families, I suspect, are just expert at brushing us aside, excluding us from decision making and in other ways in which we might be of help. they don't see that, and it's upsetting and aggravating. I live several states away from my relatives, and I think the distance contributes to this, too. They forget you're capable, they aren't around, day to day, to see you managing a home, managing travel independently, and being just ordinary. Sometimes, it's just as bad as dealing with strangers, and that's damned depressing.
Anthony, you have my utmost sympathies. I cannot imagine, although I have
certainly been in situations where I could not get to places I needed to. This can
happen to us for a variety of reasons. I think it would be unfair of anyone to
claim you were playing the victim here.
Also, you're right on about your brother. Know what else? He did it in part
because he knows he's not been available for her in 8 years and so wants to
prove he's a good guy, and do so at your expense apparently. It's a real dick
move on his part. And you're right, had you not posted to Facebook, nobody
would know about this.
I hope her church people will pitch in on her behalf. I think many will probably
be waiting for the magic show in the end, where she's supposed to get up and
testify how the god brought her through, so they can all feel like they just
watched a Hallmark movie with a spiritual twist. It's the magic show a certain
population of them is after. But I hope that those who called her their friend
from there will now act like it and go see her, especially when she is awake.
Oh, and I don't think it's wrong for you to have brought your recorder. You've
got a need that clearly demonstrates why you could use that. And, in many
states, it's not illegal to record conversations.
Anthony, my thoughts are with your Mom, and with you, during this time. Like others, I'm hoping for a speedy and complete recovery for her.
I didn't for one minute think you were playing the helpless victim in your original post. I also agree that your brother's treatment of you was very condescending and belittling. Unfortunately, as is shown on this board, it's all too common. I've been treated similarly in situations involving my own family when someone has been gravely ill. It's why, when Mark went through his health issues last summer, we probably sacrificed some useful support so that we could have our independence and autonomy. We told various sighted family members to stay away, or not to come visit when he was in the hospital, etc, because we knew very well that once they got involved, the situation would be taken out of our hands. Medical staff would start talking to the sighted people instead of us, would start asking them to make the decisions instead of us, and, in keeping with how sighted people behave toward us, our various family members would have stepped into those roles without batting an eye. Sure, they might have even been well-intentioned, but as has been talked about on another board, people's intentions don't mean crap when they take away our rights as people.
It's amazing how our feelings somehow don't matter as much as the person who can drive themselves. I don't understand this, and I never will, but I've seen it in my own family. It's as Becky said, it's horrible we have to fight for inclusion in this realm as in all others, but I do anyway. I do whatever I have to to be with the person I love, even if it means getting around/pissing off my family members. They can deal.
One of the things that I couldn't help but notice is that in March, Mom will have lived in Ashland City for 10 years. My brother was trying to ask me, in a round about way, where she lived. He had no clue. How far away does she live? She lives in Ashland City?.. That sort of thing. He said he wants to be with her in her time of need, but it's a bit funny to pull that card after losing track of her for this long. They talked by phone for a couple of years after she moved up here, (mostly because she would find a way to send him and his wife and kids something for their birthday or Christmas. So I echo Leo's sentiment here. He's been away for so long and now he wants to come in and show that he's really there, so people will think he's been there all along. Alicia. I think next time, I probably will not do anything that could get the family involved in something like this again, unless Mom specifically wants them there. I see now that it's just easier that way.
Thanks to all of you. I haven't heard anything from or about Mom since my visit yesterday, but I'll post back here just as soon as I do.
thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hope your mom continues to do well and is able to go home from hospital soon.
Don't feel like reading any of the replies. here are my two cents based on your post.
1. I think the police officer should have offered to get you to your mom. And before people go spouting out some BS about how cops have more "oimportant" things to do, that's just crap. "civil servants"
2. I would have been insulted by your brother's behavior. You are in a tough situation as far as independence, but IMO the people that care about you should help support you in independence as much as possible. E.g. helping to give you the choice to see your mom if they could facilitate that process.
There's nothing worse than feeling stuck in a situation like that and I'm sorry that happened to you.
I hope your mom is OK.
I think maybe the cop would have if he'd asked.
She did ask if he had family.
I think the rule is you must ask them for the service. I could be wrong, but I think that is how it works.
he did ask if I had family, yes, but when I told him that family was 2.5 hours away by car, that makes it pretty obvious. When I told him I was stranded, he didn't help matters by wishing me good luck, merry Christmas and walking away without closing the door.
Anthony, first, I'm glad your mom is recovering. It sounds like she gott off very lucky with those injuries. It could have been much worse, not to minimize what she is going through now, but it sounds like the worst is over and she will make a positive recovery.
As to your situation about being pushed away? Oh yes, I can relate totally. The last issue of this was this year while my dad was hospitalized in St. Louis waiting to have an intestinal blockage removed. Mom and my sister just left and didn't ask me if I wanted to go, didn't even really tell me when they were leaving. They stayed in a motel close to the hospital for a few days. I'm sure some of this was that mom doesn't like dealing with my guide dog. She can't seem to figure out that you aren't obligated to mention you have a service animal when the reservation is made, so that was probably just another reason I was excluded. Mom can hardly walk and hadn't made a trip that long by herself in years. I could have helped carry things or just been there, but I was excluded. It's all the same issues as others have pointed out. We are useless, can't offer anything and wouldn't be of any help. The time before this was worse, though. It was two days before my birthday, and we were supposed to go out to lunch as a family. The day kept progressing, so I finally called my dad to see what was up. He very casually mentioned that he was in a hospital room and that my sister had brought him to the hospital in my town at 4 AM that morning because he thought he was having a heart attack. Dad has had two bad heart attacks and several close calls. so this wasn't just an old guy being a hypochondriac. When I asked him why no one called me, he point blank said there was nothing I could do. This even after my sister had been there all night and was going back to pick my mother up and take her to see him. The hospital is about a mile from my house. If worse came to worse I could have walked there. finding the exact wing of the hospital would have been a challenge, but I would have done it. But no, the choice was taken away from me again.
What can you say? How exactly do you handle this kind of ignorance and complete disrespect? If you say something, you're just making trouble. If you do it in front of friends and other family members, then you're the trouble maker who doesn't know their place. I've gotten all of this before from my family. I'm 44, I've lived all over the country and have had to make a lot more in the way of sacrifices just to have basic things like an education and a job. This doesn't seem to matter because my family automatically assumes I can't do something or wouldn't want to do something, or if I do acomplish it, I've had help doing it, so the accomplishment doesn't count. It pisses me off and it's depressing, because most of the time we're not expected to fight back. it's why I have such strict boundaries with my family today.
Again, Anthony, I wish I could say I was surprised by your brother's behavior, but I'm not. Going back to Mark's experiences over the summer, family members who didn't give a crap about him before his illness all of a sudden acted like he was the most important person in the world, never mind that they could go years without seeing or talking to him, even when he only lived a half hour away from them. Now, all of a sudden these people were willing to travel hours to come see him, and what's more, expected us to be grateful and praise them for their going so out of their way for him. What I really wanted to do was tell them off, but of course I didn't. So, your brother's behavior is all too common.
Okay on the police. I wonder if she didn't do her duty and at least ask you, or did she duck it, because she was lazy and didn't want to deal with it anymore?
I've known of police taking next of kin to hospitals after accidents. I'm not sure how, or what needs to be happening for this to happen though.
For what it's worth, Wayne, the policeman was a man, a big macho man. LOL
The more I see here, the more I understand how common this stuff is, and I see it on facebook too, when my other blind friends have to fight tooth and nail to be taken half way seriously and included in any sort of decision making process.
I didn't reread the post.
Don't know why I assumed it was a woman? Lol
I know I'll be in the minority for saying this, but who cares that family members who've never been there before, wanna be there now? Have you all not heard of putting one's negative feelings aside, and being there for your family member because they're your family? (That wouldn't and doesn't have to mean you're friends for life, or that you ever wanna see them again). However, in that moment, when they wanna be there, what's so hard about letting them do so?
During my recent hospitalization, I invited my mom to come visit me--I hadn't seen her in 6 years, but I had grown up in that amount of time, and hoped maybe she had, too. So, I allowed her to visit me for a bit, and although things didn't go well like I'd hoped they would, I'm glad I did my part.
Had it not been for me, my brother would not have known. I have no issue with him wanting to come to Nashville and be there for Mom in her time of need, but he was the one who tried to exclude me, so this particular situation is a bit reversed. He went, then told me my presence was not important, that he could keep me updated by phone.
I see. Sorry for the misreading on my part, Anthony.
It's unfortunate that he acted that way towards you, but as others have said, sometimes the best thing for us to do is to let stuff roll off our backs and find people who do wanna allow us to contribute to things of this nature. Easier said than done, I know, but definitely possible. Hang in there.
Yeah because we all know that lack of sight means lack of brains. Gaw! This kind of thing just pisses me off. I'm sorry you had to deal with asshole family members and invisible friends when you needed them the most. I'm glad to hear that your mom will be ok. I hope she heals quickly, completely, and with as little pain as possible.
Lol DG well I think if I was sighted I would have done the same amount of dumb
stuff as I did blind.
Well, reading this, it's obvious these situations are more often than not very
complicated for all of us.
Chelsea I'm just gonna put this out here:
I personally think you exercised great courage in your time of need to invite
your mother, seeing as the things you told me happened. I just wanted to honor
that, since you let us in on that situation. I respect you for that.
I'm sorry to read this Anthony; Hope your Mum recovers soon. :)
An update on Mom. All I can find out is that she's still in ICU, but she's stable. That's as of about 10 minutes ago.
Thank you for the update. hug
Thank you Leo. I simply invited my mother because I felt it was the right thing to do. I didn't, and still don't want recognition for it; however, I truly do appreciate your words.
Anthony, thank you for the update. I hope your mom continues to recover, and that she's able to get the appropriate medical care she needs to do so. I also hope that for you, you're able to find peace with what happened, and that you know that in my eyes, you did the right thing.
You honestly can't go wrong when you reach out to let others know what's going on, and give them a chance to also help you pay respects to your mom in her time of need. You have shown tremendous strength Anthony. Hugs.
hugs Anthony. I'm glad she is stable.
My thoughts still with you and your Mom, Anthony. I'm sorry she's in My thoughts are still with both you and your Mom, Anthony.
Oh man. I didn't realize she was in ICU. Hugs.
Leo, if I had been sighted, I'd probably be dead now from all the stupid shit I would have done. lol
The strength of the oak tree is not from its trunk nor its branches, but from its
deep roots.
I think Anthony's obviously got deep roots.
Young kidless this is what to strive for. I know I do.
No new news, but I'm the one who the hospital is supposed to call and keep updated. I'm the one who makes the major decisions until Mom is conscious enough to make them for herself, so I called to check on her and the nurse said she'd just talked to me a few minutes ago. I told her that she had not, and I lowered my voice and talked with that Savanah backwoods dialect, to sound like my brother, and the woman laughed and said yes, that was the one she'd talked to. Basically, he called and said he was me, so they'd talk to him. This is why I hesitated to get him involved, but still, it's his mother too.
Anthony, that sucks. It's really too bad you don't live closer so you can get to the hospital on a daily basis. That's the only way to let the medical staff working with your mom know who you are.
And if your brother is impersonating you or lying to them, you'll have to stay on
top of this so they don't get fooled again.
Damn I'm sorry you're contending with all this.
I'm so sorry Anthony. I really don't know.
These are the complexities that happen when our family members, Anthony's
mom in this case, need us. Nobody talks about this stuff, only individual
situations. Anthony and I are both mid lifers now, so we're in for it more and
more as years go on. For those of us with kids, they call us the "sandwich"
generation, cause we're caught between college kids and aging parents.
Again, my utmost sympathies, Anthony.
Omg, I'm really mad now. I called to check on Mom. They asked who I was and I told them, and they said that they had another serigat listed, so I asked if it was my brother and the nurse confirmed that it was. So now, I can't check on her. It's hard not to be bitter about this. I tried to do the right thing and let people know, but I really should have kept my mouth shut. so now, even though he has no idea where she lives or what bills she pays or what medicines she takes, he's in charge.
Is there any way you can tell them this? I honestly don't know how this stuff works. But it is so awful of him to try and do this and I'm so sorry.
He has a car, so he was able to jump in it and go show them photo ID and stuff. That's why he left me at home the first day. It's painfully obvious. Before he came in to the picture, I had them telling me her info. He said he told them to call me as well, and they told him that she could only have one serigat, so he knew, even then. He's trying to play all innocent with me on the phone now, but that's why he told me that it wasn't important for me to be there and that he could update me by phone.
I'm so sorry Anthony. I really wish I could help you but I don't know where
you'd begin on this.
Hoping someone with some legal or social work experience can help here.
Stuff like this makes me go to war.
It is bad when you have to go to war at a time like this.
You didn't cut him out, but he's cutting you out.
Does your mom have a regular doctor she sees for other reasons that knows you?
If you contact her regular doctor, you may be able to get that office to help you.
You go on the grounds that you arn't able to pop in to the hospital at will.
You have as much right to know things, and I don't understand the hospitals rule on this.
I'd research that as well.
Oh, and heaven forbid. But you've learned the next time you get in to a situation such as this, or something similar how your family will be.
I know it is the right thing to let people know, but in our case, a judgement has to be made, and that's really sad.
OK, so now I don't even know your brother, but I'm really pissed at him on your behalf. That is not, not cool, on either his part, or the hospital's! How in the world could the surrogate be changed without your input, if you were the original? I can't help but wonder if your Mom has a legal healthcare power of attorney? Mark and I set that up early in 2015, since we can't legally marry. If anything happened to one of us without it, the decisions would default to our parents, and neither of us wants that. We want it to be each other. So hopefully with that set up, no one else could be the surrogate, unless we were both incapacitated at the same time, and our lawyer had us pick a secondary power of attorney in case that happened, too. Does your Mom have anything like this?
I'm sorry sister.
I don't think it take more then his brother asking them to do it.
All he'd need to say was "well, you know my brothers disabled, so he'll not be able to handle things if something comes up.
Sorry, but we've got a situation on how the world views us as well working as well as his bitch brother.
Oh, I know that's the view people are working from, but it's still inexcusable, especially on the part of the hospital, who should be bound by legality, not disability and personal opinion.
I agree 100%. I'd go to war.
I understand he may not feel like it.
This is not the time to be at war, but what can he do.
Medicle power of attorney would probably work, but no, she's never set that up. I can't help but think of how I was good enough to make the decisions when they ran in to complications after removing her spleen and had to put an extra drainage tube in and stuff, but now that they know a sighted person is in the picture, it all just defaults to him. He's the first one that they actually saw.
I did find out, from one of the church friends that visited her, that she's up and can walk around, so physically, she's doing really well, but she's still very mentally daised and confused.
I'd say that she will make her choices when she regains control of her mind, if she does. Until then, not a whole lot that I can do. She's gonna be very angry that my brother did this. He's starting to get annoyed though, since they're asking him a lot of questions that he's simply not close enough to her to answer.
I'm very glad she seems to be on her way to recovering, even if it's going slowly. I do hope that when she is mentally able, she will set up a medical power of attorney, to avoid this type of thing in the future. But I know right now, she simply needs to focus on getting better.
Yes, fight Anthony. I am pissed for you.
Oh my you have my sympathies Anthony. What Wayne and Alicia are saying
makes a ton of sense here.
I've got several ride options to the hospital today. One is with my brother, but I'd rather discuss my plans with them while he's not present. He's loud and domineering so I know they'd only listen to him. Hopefully, Mom will snap out of the mental fog in the next day or 3. Once that happens, she'll make her preferences known. Until then, all I can do is try to be there. I'm going to enquire as to whether they will help me to get to where she is located once I get to the hospital, and if that's the case, I can take the paratransit van every day if need be. I've finally figured out how to use the new FM system I got last summer, now that the old one is broken. It's big, bulky and not as loud as the old one, but hopefully, I can make do with it.
I told Anthony everything you all have. :) I wouldn't take this shit.
When you meet with the docs and nurses, I'd advise you to see about having the Hospital
Social Work Team present... they're looking out for your Mom's best interests and will listen
to you about your concerns regarding her care and the dirty trick that your sorry excuse of a
brother has pulled on to you. I don't know how much they can do for you specifically, but
they may be able to make it easier for you to have contact with your Mom while she's in
hospital, given that you know more about her day-to-day life than that useless waste of
space society dictates you call your brother.
Hmmm, interesting suggestion about the social work team. In theory, Kate is right, they should have your Mom's best interest in mind. But they're influenced by their ideas of disability as much as any other hospital staff. The social work team who was supposed to help Mark last summer was actually one of our biggest hindrances in his care, and in getting him home to recover. That was largely because they didn't think I was capable, as another blind person. of caring for him. For example, it was the social workers who told the rest of his treatment team that I was unable to pour liquids by myself, when they had never asked me anything about pouring. They told his other staff that I was unable to track the time so I'd know when he needed his meds, when again, no one asked me how I told time. Thank God the rest of the staff actually talked to me, and learned that yes in fact, I could do all these things and more, but if it had been up to the social workers, Mark would have spent the entire summer in a skilled nursing facility. I know Anthony's situation is a very different thing, but I'm simply saying that social work staff are just as bad about thinking of us as capable individuals as anyone else. But, perhaps these social workers are different. Perhaps they would see you as the capable person you are. It's certainly something you could try, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't.
I agree that trying to get the hospital social workers involved is a good idea. Like Alicia said, they can have prejudices just like anyone else, but I would still give it a try.
I'm late on this. However, I can tell this from personal experience.
I was eighteen, living in a dorm, for the OTC. No 19. Sorry. I went out to do something for me and my friend, on a Saturday. It was odd, cause I had this really strange feeling.
Go down a few hours, to eight-thirty. I get a call from my Grandma, asking where my dad is. Knowing nothing, I said it wasn't my turn to watch him.
At around three, my brother had been nearly killed in a head-on with a car. He was crossing the street.
I was the last one told, and the first one there. I was trying to find out information, but was told the doctor would talk to me later, as he was in surgery. The doctor did "NOT" talk to me, but to our aunts and uncles. Like my being his sister wasn't worth beans, cause I was blind.
That's only the start of it. They wanted to send him, in a wheelchair, to my mother's place. Now, we were removed from there, and I told the social worker. She wanted to call Adult services. I said, not till he's ready to go and they decide where to take him. But they still tried to move him into Mom's custody.
The fact there was stairs in the house, was the deciding factor in him going to a "Rehab Facility." Like my concern didn't mean a thing.
That same hospital was the one that made a disabled person sign a paper while drugged on pain meds, and tried to bill him, even though he wasn't in any shape to concent to the procedure. That actually went to court, because their legal department is stupid.
I wish I'd known enough to catch them when stuff happened to my family, but the old thing about hindsight is true. I don't go there, anymore. And where I go they do respect me.
Anthony, I'm praying that your mom's church helps out. That's one of the reasons I'm still at the church I am. They care, and when someone's ill, they are compassionate, and don't hide. I'm sorry your Christmas holiday was so awful.
And, I don't like your brother either. I finally got my family to sort of treat me normal. There's rough spots, but they're mostly my dad. The rest of my family accepts my blindness, and other stuff too.
Maybe, there'll be a day when all of our families are wiser. I wish you and your family the best.
Blessings,
Sarah
Oh, I was trying to be charitable toward your brother, but I can't. He's ruthless, and mean. What he did is illegal. Just like the situation with the nurse making the disabled person sign that paper while drugged. You should've been there, to help with that decision. Sometimes, I learned, despite being a Christian, you do have to fight back. It's not all forgiveness, when you're being mistreated, and left out. You won't hear someone like Chelsea say this, but this is wrong. The one thing my mother taught me that stuck, is not to just take it. There's a time for taking it, and a time to stand up, and say: "Enough, is enough! The buck stops here!"
Contact the blind advocacy groups. I know not everyone's fond of them, but in this case, I personally know people in my state, who'd kick butt first, then take names, and then kick some more butt. And, after this, don't tell your brother a thing. But, it's just my opinion.
Blessings, and I hope this straightens out.
Sarah
Looks like people are giving you good advice. And yes it really does depend on
how the social workers see your disability.
I hope it really works out for you.
Uh, since when did I tell Anthony to forgive someone?
Anyway, Anthony, sorry to say it, but Alicia is right about social workers from the hospital being as ignorant and closed-minded if you will, to your disability. Sure it's worth giving talking to them a shot, if for no other reason than that it will show initiative on your part to be there for your mom. However, try not to be too disappointed if they just fall in step with the rest of the hospital staff.
It's been my experience, and others here have shared in the fact that they are not so much concerned about the patient's care, but the money they are or are not getting from whatever source. Meaning that you may have them on your side for a time, but they may turn on your wishes just as quickly.
That being said, I hope you all are able to come out of this as well as is possible.
Oh my god, Anthony, the more about this I read the more pissed I get. It's obvious that your brother has some kind of ax to grind and is deliberately using your inability to get to the hospital against you. I don't know what the history is, but it doesn't matter. Anyone treating someone like this simply because they think they can get away with it is just plain wrong.
I hate to be the Negative Nancy, but I wouldn't automatically assume the hospital bureaucracy will side with you. The medical field and most social workers are just as clueless about blindness as the general public and they're not used to having their athority questioned. Sadly, the more so-called normal people we have taking our side and vouching for our abilities, the more seriously we're taken. I like the idea of getting a blind consumer group in on this just to help give you some credibility. I'm not a huge joiner, but this might be a time to reach out just to see what your rights are. It would help, too if your mom can speak for herself. It sounds like she's having a rough time of it, but then I don't know all of the complications.
Hang in there
Again, a very heart-felt thanks to all of you, both for the support and the advice.
One of her friends from church went to see her and he picked me up on the way. My brother was going to go see her as well, but he called at the last minute and let me know how much of an inconvenience it was going to be for him to have to drive 2 hours each way, just to try to answer questions that he knew nothing about. I told him not to worry, that I had it under control. when I got there, mom was very alert and in very high spirits. she remembers everything except from a few minutes before the wreck and then waking up in the hospital. The hospital didn't freak her out, but when she realized that she was in Nashville's and not Ashland City's hospital, that's when she freaked. She even remembers which bills are due and their due dates. I explained what my brother had done and she called a nurse and requested a complete report on exactly what had happened to her and who gave permition for what, starting from the moment she entered the hospital. My brother had put himself down as her only contact. The reports also acknowledged that they first got their consents from me, and then switched over to my brother. Mom told the nurse that she wanted me as the only contact, and stressed the importants of my brother not finding out where she lives. She said she still had nerve pills and the likes at home, and if he knew about it, he'd be all over it. The nurse actually talked to me, addressing me directly as we filled out the paperwork. I was also told that if I came to the hospital on my own, that I would have help finding her. They'd just put her in a room not very long at all before I got there. She's pulling through. She squeezed my hand and was able to sit up with just a little help. Her voice was strong, and she was quick to laugh and make jokes. She's in pain, but she really wants to go get her nails done and they won't do that in the hospital, so she is ready to get out of there. LOL She'll be there for at least a week more, and then she'll have 3 weeks of therapy.
My brother might squalk a bit at not being in control anymore, but now that he knows he's not going to get money or pills, he's pretty much lost interest. Remember, this is the same guy who drove down here on Christmas day and the day after as well, but suddenly realizes there's nothing for him to do. I guess this time, he's the one who doesn't need to be there. As far as keeping him updated by phone, I'm not sure what I'll do on that. He talked to the nurses the day before I visited, but didn't call to tell me about it, so perhaps I should simply follow his example. When he called to tell me he wasn't coming, I asked him to call and check on her, since he was the only one who could. He told me to call and give them the chart number and that they would talk to me. So now that the shoe is on the other foot, he's got the chart number too, right? Maybe I should just leave it there. Mom doesn't really want him to be in the know anyway.
I'm glad it is working out how it should! hugs I hope your mom heals fast.
Go Anthony! That's awesome, on a few levels. I'm happy your Mom is well on her road to recovery! Excellent! That's the best news of all of this.
I'm also glad she's able to assert herself now, and showed the hospital she wants you as the contact. I hope some of the staff have to eat crow because they listened to your brother, when that's not what your Mom would have wanted.
As for updating your brother, I would have said no, don't keep him updated, if for no other reason than that he doesn't deserve to be after the way he treated you. But I think you answered your own question in the last line of your post when you said your Mom doesn't want him being kept in the know. If she doesn't, then no, I wouldn't update him, if it's not what she wants. If she did want it, I'd say do it, but since she doesn't, you have a very legitimate reason not to have to.
Anthony great work!
I suggest you do as you said, because your mom doesn't want him to know
where she lives. They should be able to take it pretty seriously about his access
to her nerve pills.
Actually the pill situation tells me an awful lot more than anything else. I don't
have drug addicts in my own immediate family, but by contrast, have seen
friends of mine ravaged by them, their stuff stolen, etc. There always seems to
be an ulterior motive with those people. Now we know what he was after.
I'm sorry you went through this. But, way to go, soldier! Looks like you got it
done and your mom is clearly confident you'll help her.
I'm so very happy for this turn of events, Anthony!
As for not disclosing stuff, there are hospital policies in place for just such occasions...
your Mom's file can be (and hopefully is) coded in such a way that only certain people (i.e.
anyone whom your Mom or her representatives deems is important enough to warrant
that privilege... ie. you and not that stupid, money and power grubbing douche bag to
whom she gave birth to in the late 1960s/1970s and whom society still dictates that we
refer to as your brother) can get information about her when they call the nursing
station... it's helpful that Mom is awake and lucid and, as you say, in high spirits (wanting
to get her nails done and fixing to have a fit over not being able to in hospital sounds so
very Southern.... LOL) so she can make her own decisions over access and be taken
seriously by hospital staff and not be coerced by fucktards like your brother who have
nothing but their own greedy ass ulterior motives in mind.
Rock on, Anthony and best get well wishes to your Mom... tell her that we're all behind
her 1000%
Great news Anthony, I'm sooooo happy for you. It all worked out in the end, which is how it was supposed to be. :) Also, I'm so happy you're mom is getting better after the surgery and things.
Well, I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Glad things are turning around.
Becky
I'm glad your mom stood up for herself, and told the hospital what's wrong. I'm happy things turned out so well.
I'm praying your mom gets better soon.
Blessings,
Sarah
Hey, I wouldn't bother going to see her either if I couldn't get my hands on those pills. LOL Just kidding of course. It sounds like things are finally working out the way they should. And I'm glad your mom was able to let her wishes be known and that the staff is paying attention and finally treating you with respect.
I'll second Becky. Money and pills would have been my only reasons. Smile.
Grim, but people will do what they must.
Okay, a different thing.
Sure, I'd have gone to war. When I go to war I take no prisners.
However, after the fight, I'm a peaceful man.
Saying all that, I'd not go out of my way to inform him, and I wouldn't give him anything mom didn't wish him to have, but you know this.
But, if he called me I'd tell him of her status. That's fair even though you weren't treated fairly.
I use to believe in telling people they weren't fair, but I learned, they know this.
Have a talk with your mom and tell her it might be important she do something in case of this sort of event to protect you.
You are still under the cloud next time.
Be well, and I'm glad all has come to a good ending.
Yes, it looks like things are going to be ok now. wayne, you do bring up a good point. if he bothers to call, I would probably feel bound to let him know the most basic of things, "No, she's not dead. Yes, she's alert now." Honestly, I think I'd be most inclined to tell him to call the hospital and give them the chart number. That's what he told me to do, back when he listed herself as her only contact. Then he can see just how limited the information can be for someone who isn't authorized to have it.
I'm also happy that quite a few people have gone to see her or have called her. i'm sure this has lifted her spirits tremendously.
If it wasn't for the fact he's a child like you, I'd not answer his phone calls.
He only gets some tuck with me because he's family.
He only gets the basics as you said. She's okay, or she's not.
She can tell him the rest when or if she feels like it.
LOL and I see where I accidentally called my brother a girl. Hahaha oh well.
Yeah, yeah! We bet. hahaha.
Glad to hear things are looking up Anthony.
If your brother calls and asks about your mom, saying something as simple as "She's fine" will suffice. That's being fair; that's also protecting yourself and your mom--which is exactly what both of you need through this difficult time.
He's shown his true colors, I'd say.
Ah man, Anthony I'm really glad for how things are going.
I would never under any circumstances give your brother the chart number.
Addicts are amazing manipulators and could rob a police station in broad
daylight. Don't do it, man. Just do like people are saying here; tell your brother
she's fine or the basics. And that's it.
Just my unsolicited advice.
He's the one who gave it to me to begin with, so unfortunately, I have no choice in that matter. He's written it down, so that's that. I'm not too worried, though. He's not calling to find out anything either way. He's lost interest now. guess he saw that it was a try well.